that weekend re-cap thing is becoming too much of a monday morning habit with me, isn’t it? it’s starting to take away from whatever i want to talk about on monday. i may have to start updating sunday night, like it or not. so, here are the things i was going to talk about yesterday, but didn’t because i ended up talking about the weekend instead:

1) so the bridal shower/bachelorette party i attended last month is apparently not as “secret” as i was lead to believe. the bride has been shooting her mouth off about it to people at work who didn’t attend, bringing in photos and showing them to whoever asks, and talking about what is on the video. now, i didn’t do anything i should be embarrassed about or ashamed of, but i still let go a bit more than i normally do in front of some of these people. i’m not very happy that she’s been discussing the party around here, particularly in front of some of the men, most of whom are bosses! but, what can i say? it was her party after all! the problem is, one of the men she told about the party told another co-worker, who also didn’t attend, and a third-party who works for one of our clients! now, i don’t know if the bride mentioned anything specifically about me to him, which he may, in turn, have mentioned to these other people (and god knows who else by now), but i must admit i’m feeling a little uncomfortable and a little more paranoid around here than usual!

i don’t know why i’m so freaked out about this revelation. i haven’t really noticed anyone treating me any differently around here, so it’s likely no one gives a fuck. i guess it’s not like they haven’t seen me party before, as i’ve cut loose at the company do’s, but then everyone else is loose, too, so few will remember an insignificant little bug like me boogieing down on the dance floor. i don’t know why it bothers me, but, it does bother me. it just does. i wish i didn’t care so much how people perceive me, but i do. this little tid-bit of information has sparked another round of cuticle-chewing, something i hadn’t done all weekend. i even clipped my nails real short last night, but find myself still picking at the rough edges, chewing on them if i can reach them with my teeth, and using the nail clippers if i can’t. i’m repulsed by it, embarrassed by it, and wish to god i would stop doing it, while doing it at the same time! i can’t fucking win with this thing! the only thing that ever really helped was wearing fake fingernails, but that’s such a pain to keep up at home, and my real nails get so badly damaged no matter how gently i try to remove the fake ones. i’m too ashamed to go into a nail salon and ask if there’s anything they can do, plus i really couldn’t afford to have something like that done on a regular basis. and, finally, i type all day, and it’s hard for me to do with even the petite sport length! *sigh*

2) one day last week i went into sears fully intending to purchase a new digital camera, one with a built in flash and self-timing mechanism. i checked both my webtv and my compact presario lap-top, and both take what is known as the “smart card”, which many of the smaller digital cameras use to store pictures. i thought about getting one that uses the floppy disk, but figured if i could get something to go with both machines, the better. plus, the smaller ones are less expensive. so there i was standing in front of the digital cameras, picking up one, examining it, and putting it down to check out another one. i looked in the locked case down below to see if they had any of the ones i was interested in, and there was one. i started to get excited, like i do when i’m about to spend a pretty large chunk of money. now, there are always way too many sales associates loitering around the electronics dept. usually when i‘m there i get way more attention than i care for. that day, however, when i’m actually interested in buying something, i’m totally and completely ignored! unbelievable! there were three, count ‘em, t.h.r.e.e. sales associates surrounding a couple making a purchase of some kind at the end of the aisle (which are not that long, btw). i made eye contact with two of them. they were talking and joking around with these other customers, who were obviously friends of some kind. at no time did either of these two sales associates think to themselves, “hmm, there’s a lady over there checking out some very expensive digital cameras. i wonder if she’s interested in buying one, and giving me a big, fat commission?”, and come to inquire as to whether or not i had any questions regarding the cameras. and i did have questions, and plenty of them. i gave them 10 minutes of my o, so precious time, then i gave up and left. sure i could’ve gone up and asked one of them for help, but that’s not the way it’s supposed to work in retail. the customer shouldn’t have to go looking for assistance, assistance should come to the customer. i was in retail for eight long painful years, people, i know how this shit should go down. so, one night last week, sears lost a sizable digital camera sale at a time of the evening when they were unlikely to have any more people wanting to spend that kind of money in their store. maybe they all reached their commission goals for the day, i don’t know. all i know is i won’t be buying my digital camera at sears, if i can help it! i have already checked out target, but they didn’t have much of a selection, and the prices for what they had was, like, wow! let me just take out a loan for that camera! i checked out k-mart but they didn’t even have any digital cameras, except for the jamcam, which i already have, and don’t really like. next, i’ll try wal-mart, as they have a pretty large selection of cameras, and some very helpful people. the only reason i wanted to buy it as sears is because i could put it on my card and defer payment for a few months, but if i have to i’ll go ahead and write a cheque! who knew this would be such a pain in the ass?

3) on the drive in this morning, a station wagon pulled in front of me to avoid being stuck behind a truck on the grade. no this is not going to be a “road rage” piece. it was not a problem at all; there was plenty of room. i couldn’t even tell you the make or model of the station wagon, but it looked exactly like the station wagon that belonged a woman i worked with at van heusen; one of the women who was pregnant the same time i was. those old memories and feelings came flooding back. driving over the grade during the morning rush hour is not the best time to get all weepy and teary-eyed, but i did. all that envy and pain i felt back then when the other two women who were pregnant got to have their babies, threatened to overwhelm me. it simply wasn’t fair! instead of holding it in this time, i went ahead and let my selfish thoughts spill out: i was in a much better position ot take care of a child then either of them: i had money (granted not much, but i had a great deal more than either of them!), a boyfriend who would’ve accepted his responsibility as a father in a mature manner, and a much better job (i was higher up the corporate ladder than they were.)! i could’ve given my baby much more than they could ever hope to give theirs! it’s just not right that god lets the poor white trash of the world breed like rabbits, but the rest of us responsible people have to suffer through our miserable lives childless and alone!

getoveritgetoveritgetoverit . . .

okay, enough of that! hey, it’s “super tuesday”! have you all voted yet? if not, you’re probably too late depending upon what time you read this. i wanted to vote this morning, but had an early meeting so i will be voting around 6 p.m. california time. i’m running home right after work so mom and i can walk down to the polls and vote. hopefully, it won’t be raining to hard, because she won’t walk then. normally i don’t like to vote late since things have already been decided back east by noon our time, you’re after work vote basically won’t count. that’s just my opinion; i could be wrong. anyway, most of the stuff we’re voting on today is all local, so i doubt any major decisions will be made much before 6 p.m.

reading: “an underachiever’s diary”
listening to: new cd’s by: chris de burgh, the bloodhound gang, stroke 9, and vertical horizons.

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