A recent discussion on a message board I belong to got me thinking about weight loss. Particularly my personal struggle with it. I may (or may not, I'm not sure) have mentioned it before, but I'm doing (okay, trying to do) the Body for Life program. No, I don't want to be a body builder, and no offense to any women body builders out there, but I just think all those muscles on girls is gross! I don't want to be bulky, I just want to be thinner and firmer. I want a little muscle tone; a little definition. I don't want to be able to bench press a hundred and fifty thousand pounds with my pinkie, I'd just like to be able to walk between my car and the stuff along the side of the garage without having to turn sideways and shuffle. I'd like to not jiggle when I walk.

I'm not asking for much, I'm just asking for what belongs to me: my thin, fit body. I had it once.

I want it again, but I just can't seem to do it. Why? Well, I've figured this out before, and it can be explained in one word: fear.

Fear of what, you ask? Fear of many things. Fear of failure (Which I'm doing anyway, and it's really not all that scary, just depressing as hell). Fear of success (Once again becoming the object of men's desire? Yeah, that's kind-of scary!). But mostly it's all the stuff having to do with going to the gym right now: being the only fat girl in the gym trying to look relaxed and cool on the treadmill when I'm really red-faced, sweating, huffing and puffing, and I'm sure everyone is waiting for me to drop dead when my heart explodes. It's embarrassing, really. And, I'm quite sure, it's all in my head.

The reasonable side of me is screaming: No one is looking at you! No one cares what you're doing! They're off doing their own thing, and they're red-faced, sweating, and huffing and puffing, too! Get over it!

Easier said than done, however. I've tried to go to the gym five times so far this month, and only made it through the door once. You'd think after that first time it'd get easier, but it doesn't. I don't know why. Every day I go through the struggle.

Turn left at the stop light! Left, damn you! Left!

And, nine times out of ten, I turn right. And, it's not even like there's anything I'd rather be doing. I'll go to the mall, I'll go downtown, I'll go to the park and just sit and do nothing for an hour, then go home. I used to go out for coffee and read a book, or do some writing, but that's just gotten boring. I don't have any money, so I can't shop. Last night I made the left-hand turn, but sat in the parking lot and did my taxes. I have my work-out clothes with me in the car, so that's no excuse. I really don't have an excuse for not going at all. I'm just too scared and embarrassed to go.

I'm also annoyed with the place most of the time. It's very busy when I go after work, and I hate having to waste time waiting for machines, or weights. Apparently it's not much better in the morning, because my friend DeeDee goes in the mornings, and she's told me it's pretty crowded. The best time to go is probably 3 p.m., but obviously I have to work then, so that's out of the question.

My options? Suck it up, be patient and go anyway; quit and workout at home (not likely to happen if the past is anything to go on); or find another gym. I'm seriously considering that last option. Although I like my gym because it's women only, it's very small, and, as I've said, very busy. All the other gyms in town are co-ed, and I already know I'm not terribly comfortable working out in front of men. That's why I chose the gym I'm at now, when a perfectly good co-ed gym I'd been going to was closer by. (At the time, that is; the gym I currently belong to is now closer.) But, I've heard about a gym in town that boasts a large number of equipment. I've seen their ad on TV, and the facility looks to be at least twice the size of my current gym, if not more. It might be worth looking into. If I can go in, do whatever workout is scheduled for that day (I alternate between an Upper Body Workout, Aerobic Workout, and Lower Body Workout a la BFL), and get out, I'm fine. It's when I have to stand around and wait, or wander around looking for vacant equipment, even if it's not on the list for the day, just to have something to do, so I'm not just standing there looking stupid, that I get annoyed, and uncomfortable, and self-conscious. That's when I want to run away and never come back. That's when I want to crawl under a rock and die. I don't know why that is, but that's the way it is. So, I may be on the hunt for a new gym. Stay tuned.