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 Sick Of It All God, I'm so tired. I'm just sick of it! Sick of being tired. Sick and tired. I've been so exhausted, and sometimes I've even slept, or at least it seems like I've slept, but I wake up completely drained at 6:30, like I haven't slept at all. I felt more refreshed when I got only four or five hours of sleep! Now I'm getting 7 or 8, and I'm beat. I know what it is. It's The Incident. It's been bugging me, freaking me out, making me have panic attacks, and restless or sometimes sleepless nights. And, I've been depressed. So fucking depressed. Depressed, tired, scared, worried . . . you name it, I've experienced it since last Wednesday. I meant to go to the gym last Wednesday evening, but after what happened, I simply wasn't motivated to do so. I tried to motivate myself yesterday, but I still couldn't manage it in the end. It's just too humiliating. That's another thing I am: humiliated. And, embarrassed. It's embarrassing driving around in a smashed up car. You look like a freak. Like you can't take care of your property. I feel like putting a sticker on the dent that reads: "It wasn't MY fault!" But that won't really help, because I'll still be embarrassed. It's embarrassing to be hit. Embarrassing to be shaking so hard you can't stand, because you're so fucking scared and angry. Then to have your reality questioned right afterwards is so unsettling. I'm so uncertain and unsure now. I can't see things clearly anymore, I just feel them. I feel the impact. I feel the car rock back and forth, I feel the complete and utter terror over and over and over again. I lose my breath, and I'm so afraid I'll lose control right here in the office. It's so embarrassing. I can't let it happen! I can't lose control anymore! I . . . I . . . I already had it taken away, I have to get it back! Every time I see a car backing out of a parking space, or pulling out of a side street, my heart rate skyrockets. I just know I'm going to get hit again, and I know this time it will kill me. I'll have a heart attack, or a stroke, and just die. I'm terrified to drive, yet, I have no choice. I'll lose my job if I don't drive, because I won't have any way to get to work. Then again, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. I can barely face my coworkers now. I'm so embarrassed. They're all so nice and understanding, and all, "Oh, your poor car, you poor thing!" God, I can't stand their pity! Their kindess, their understanding. I can't stand any of it! I wish I could just hold my breath and make the whole world go away. Make everything go away. If I could just sleep I know I'd feel better. I just need to sleep, and sleep, and sleep! Forever.
Hez
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