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 Thankful (but still depressed) Thank God for Mark and Brian. Thank. God. They really helped cheer me up this morning, and for the first time since the incident, I drove to work without fear, without panic attacks, and without being totally miserable. Before today, those emotions have been overwhelming, but today, M&B were so funny, so on, and just so much fun to listen to, I was laughing too hard to worry or be scared or forget to breathe. Thank you guys for that. I'm also glad I was able to finish printing Barbie's wedding pictures and bring them in today. She was so excited to get more pictures, and she was so happy they turned out so beautifully. So was I! That little digital Elph is a great camera, and the HP Photoprinter 100 is a fantastic little printer, too. I looked through her little photo album of pictures taken with the one-time-use Wedding Cameras she had at each table, and it was so fun to see the wedding from different angles. The good feeling probably won't last too long, in fact, I can feel it already beginning to fade. A woman was killed crossing the street yesterday morning not too far from my office, and just hearing others talk about it in various parts of the office this morning is enough to freak me out all over again. It was just so damn sad. And scary. We heard the sirens - like we do almost every day; they're a very busy little station up the road from us - and learned the street was blocked off due to an accident, but had no idea how serious it was. I heard about it on the news when I got home.
Shit! Like I'm not already terrified to drive! Now I'm scared I'll accidentally kill someone while turning a corner, rather than just being afraid of being hit again. In fact, I'd prefer the latter over the former. I simply could not live with myself if I was ever responsible for the death of someone else. I'm telling you right now. I won't live with it. Ah, Christ! I'm sorry for being so morbid. I know it's best if I get it all out of my system, but I also know this isn't the kind of crap that makes for good journal reading. I had hoped to be sharing some of my writing by now, or discussing my trips to the gym. Instead I've been sidetracked, yet again, by unseen forces that are bound and determined to make my life a living hell. And, you know why this has happened, don't you. All this talk of becoming a Christian. All this rediscovering Christ, etc., etc. This is when shitty things always happen to me. When I try to reconnect with God. It's a recurring theme in my life; one I had hoped I'd gotten past. I had hoped I had slipped under the radar, but God caught me sneaking in, and zapped me once again. He doesn't want me. He doesn't like me. But, I want to be with Him, and I love Him, so I just don't know what to do.
Hez
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