Today was my 38th birthday. 38 is not a particularly special number - it's not like milestones I've got coming up like 39 or 40, it's just 38. Still, it's a bit overwhelming. I never thought I'd be sitting here at age 38. When I was 16 I didn't want to live past 30. In fact, if I wasn't already dead by the time I turned 30, I was just going to kill myself. Yes, I was really stupid when I was 16!

I've been really stupid my whole life, at least until this past year. Last year was pretty good for me, despite the bad things that happened, and I'm actually looking forward to 2004, and looking forward to being 38.

This is the year I take better care of myself, and not just for the sake of vanity or to meet the impossible standards of society. Sure, I'd like to be thinner and look pretty, but I'd also like to be healthier and feel better. I'm doing the South Beach diet not to lose weight in order to be more attractive, but to be healthier. I'm using The Soap and various nourishing moisturizers and skin care products not just to look younger and prettier, but to simply take better care of my skin, because I really haven't been doing that, and I should have been. Hopefully it's not too late. I'm doing cardio and strength training at Curves three times a week (supplemented with some exercises at home on alternate days) not only to look good in a bikini this summer, but to improve my respiratory and cardio systems, and strengthen my bones.

I know I've said this every year (and sometimes several times a year), but I really feel like this is the year I accomplish not only the Resolutions I've set for myself in 2004, but ones I've made and failed to accomplish the past three years as well. Really. I mean it this time. As usual, I can't explain it, I just feel it.

I think the biggest thing that will help this time is that my family is finally behind me. A few years ago when I was on the Atkins diet, they all freaked out at the high fat content and lack of fruits and vegetables, and frowned upon every morsel of food I ate, and were generally very negative about it. That made it very difficult for me to continue with the diet, and eventually I quit, and went back to the low-fat high-carb diet they all swore by. And promptly gained about 30 pounds. Grr!

Now, however, my uncle is on Atkins, and has lost a ton of weight, and lowered his cholesterol and blood pressure, so they're all on board with it. Grandma even made sure there was low-carb stuff he could eat at Christmas, and served him the fattiest pieces of the ham; stuff she used to just throw out, and would never ever have given me when I was on Atkins. My mom keeps asking me if I "would like to go on that diet", as if she doesn't remember that I was on that diet before, and at the time she thought it was dreadful and would lead me straight down the road to high cholesterol, heart attack or stroke.

Whatever.

So, now I've chosen a diet that everyone seems to be happy with. South Beach is similar to Atkins, but not as restrictive. You can have veggies and some fruits. And mom is thrilled I finally joined Curves because it's closer to home, and I actually go there. I'm at 214 today, and my size 18 jeans are getting loose. I hope to be under 200 pounds by the end of February, and down to a size 16 by March. If I could be into a 14 by August, that would be awesome, but that's a long way off, and a long road ahead, and I'm going to take it one step at a time.

Gah! I did not mean for this to turn into another early January "I Resolve to Work Out and Lose Weight" entry. I'm not even sure what kind of entry I wanted this to be. I had a pretty good idea earlier, but it went away. Early Alzheimer's, I'm sure.

Anyway, my birthday was pretty good, considering the number that came along with it. My mom cooked me a yummy breakfast (omelet, turkey bacon and toast), and we went up to my grandparent's for an equally yummy dinner: chicken, potatoes and peas, broccoli, salad, and cake. Yay, cake! A chocolate chip cake with a layer of orange Jell-O above it, covered with Cool-Whip, with apricot slices on top. I know it sounds weird, but it tasted fantastic!! It's my new favourite cake!

We stayed for about an hour after dinner (which was, by the way, at 2pm) to visit. I was reminded once again how lucky I am to still have my grandparents with me. I mean, I'm 38! How many 38-year-old people still have grandparents? Grandparents who are in relatively good physical health and excellent mental health, who can still work in their garden, do yard work, go for walks, attend their grandson's basketball games, drive to church, and cook their 38-year-old granddaughter a birthday dinner? I'm guessing not too many.

I'm so very lucky! So very blessed, and sometimes I just don't see it. I guess I need to look around more, take stock, and realize just how good I've got it. Forget the crappiness, sadness, disappointments and losses that fill up my past, and look ahead to an exciting and wonderful future.

for what it's worth,
Hez

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Escape

Reading: Not much. Mostly last month's issues of Good Housekeeping, Newsweek, and Better Home and Garden we got from my grandparents.

Classic Book: Animal Farm by George Orwell.

Listening to: Clay Aiken, Joy Williams, Salvador, Plumb.

Writing: Nothing, yet.

Gratitude: Another birthday!

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