Anyway, while checking out at Longs (where we picked up a few things we needed even though they didn’t have the Turbo Tax), the lady from Curves came in. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to turn away quickly enough, and she recognized me. I greeted her, thinking we'd have a brief, polite conversation, as one does when one unexpectedly runs into an acquaintance, then she'd go her way and I'd go mine. Rather than being polite or brief, however, she not only barged her way into where I was checking out to get a price check on some plants she'd picked out, but went out of her way to humiliate the living shit out of me in front of the checkout girl and my mother.

"I believe we've tried to call you," she said. (For those who don't know, Curves, unlike regular gyms, have a habit of harassing you on the phone, er, I mean, calling to check up on you . . . wait, no, that's not it, either . . . they call to see how you're doing out of concern for your well-being - yeah, that's it! - if you don't show up for a while.)

"Oh, yes," I lied, hoping she'd just go away. "I believe I have spoken with you recently."

She was, however, persistent. "You know, when you FAIL like that, you just need to get back up and get going again," she told me. And, she didn't just say it, she had to grab my shoulder at the same time, so I couldn't turn back to the counter. Here I am checking out, trying to pay for my purchases and she freakin' grabs me. Hello? Is it me, or is that just plain rude?

Anyway, making an uncomfortable situation even worse, she continued in a not-so-subtle voice, "You know we teach that in our WEIGHT LOSS CLASSES, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED."

"Uh huh," I said, trying to remember my PIN number for the debit card. I got it wrong because I was using a different card, and had to do the whole process over again.

"You just need to have some DISCIPLINE! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH . . . "

She continued talking, though I can't remember all that she said now, and I was made to stand and wait for my receipt because she was having the check-out girl - MY check-out girl - see how much her damn flowers were. I was so embarrassed, I just wanted to crawl under a rock! She couldn't just say Hi, how ya doing? and leave me the hell alone? No, she had to humiliate me in public. And, she couldn't just say good-bye when she left, oh, no!

"We're open until FOUR today, you know!"

Wow, yeah, I'm really inspired to go workout now! Gah!

If she honestly thinks I'm going back to her damn establishment after being treated so rudely, she is wrong. Dead wrong! I'll go back to the safe, anonymity of a regular gym, thankyouverymuch. Bitch.

Truthfully, I have never liked this woman. She's very hard, abrupt and in-your-face; personality traits that totally turn me off. Plus, she offended me when I first started working out at Curves by telling me my reason for wanting to lose weight was "not good enough". According to whom? You? Gah! Whatever, it's over now, both the conversation and my membership at Curves. I'll be writing a letter canceling my membership on Monday.

In other news, my taxes are now done, and I’m going to have a celebratory glass of wine. I'm getting money back on the federal and paying a little on the state, but that's okay. It's done, and it was relatively painless. This electronic filing thing is awesome! Cheers!

February 15, 2005
Downtown Saturday

Saturday afternoon, my mom and I walked up to the downtown area where they were having their annual Sweetheart Stroll. It's a little festival Atascadero has been holding the past few years to bring people to our fair city and see what we have to offer.

There's wine tasting, displays by local artists, and free chocolates. We were originally going to do the wine tasting as well as partaking of the free chocolates, but as we were walking up there, we decided it might be better (and more fun and relaxing) to just sit somewhere and have one nice glass of wine, rather than having to wander around from place to place to get a wee, one ounce pour, and then have to carry the glass home. Besides, it was ten bucks for eight tastes, and really that seemed a bit stiff.

The downtown area really is getting pretty nice. The Carlton Hotel is finally open for business, and while I can't imagine anyone paying almost $200.00 per night to stay in Atascadero, it's nice that the building is no longer just another abandoned building. They've also added some fancy urns, bump-outs, and landscaping, and while it's all very pretty, it makes the street seem more congested, and really seemed like a waste of money to me. But, what do I know, right? I just live here. And pay taxes.

Erm, anyway. It was a nice day - the weather cooperated, and provided sunshine and blue skies - the chocolates were delicious (and free!), and it was rather fun to wander through some of the new stores: The ARTery (Not really new, but in a bigger, better location.), Blue Bourbon (In Atascadero? Why? I give it six months.), and Sweet Memories, the candy store where we picked up a small bag of salt water taffy, and I discovered a treat I hadn't had since I was a kid: candy cigarettes!

They actually had a lot of "vintage" candies, as well as sodas in glass bottles. I didn't know they even still put soda in glass bottles, but there you go.

After we'd wandered around, and seen all we wanted to see (and tried all the chocolate possible), Mom and I decided to check out the new Carlton Hotel, and have our glass of wine in the the lounge.

It's a really nice place - they did a great job on the reconstruction and decorating. They were giving tours of some of their rooms and suites, but I just couldn't make myself go. Just didn't feel like seeing how the other have lives.

I did get to experience how the other half drinks, however, as the bar tab for two glasses of house Chardonnay came to $16.00! Holy cow! I can buy two whole bottles of wine for that price. Ouch! Well, it was a treat, and we kinda figured it'd be a bit pricey, but still. Sixteen-freakin'-bucks. Yeah.

February 14, 2005
Februarium Day Five: Why You Love

Why You Love: Answer this question. "Why do you love?"

Why do I love? Er ... I dunno ... because I can? Because I was created to do so by a loving God? Because I want to?

I can't really explain why I love, I just do. I love my family and friends. (Even those I don't hear from for a very, very, very long time ... *coughyouknowwhoyouarecough* ... doesn't matter, I still love them.) I love people I've never met before, and people I've only met briefly. I love things that are funny and things that are serious. I love puppies and kitties, rainy days, and long walks on the beach. I love a lot of things. I hate a lot of things, too, but that isn't what this entry is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about why I love. But, I don't know why. I just do.

February 13, 2005
Februarium Day Four: Where You've Loved

Where You're Loved: It's the sex entry. Bonus points if you make it funny for the rest of us.

JUST ADDED: If you are uncomfortable with writing a sex entry, feel free to substitute the word "where" for "how", and write instead about how to give or receive love, in your humble opinion.

This is going to be a short one - just barely making the minimum word count, I believe. So. Where? Er, let's see...

In a twin-sized bed, on the sofa, on a sofa bed (because the twin-sized bed was too small), on the floor, on a mattress on the floor (after we broke the sofa bed), in a bathtub, in a tent (well, almost, but trust me, it counts), in several really nice hotels, in apartments I've lived in - generally in pretty generic places. I've never been too terribly adventurous in that regard.

February 12, 2005
Februarium Day Three: When You've Loved

When You're Loved: Write either a brief history of your love life, or a single story about the love of your lifetime.

This one's hard. I currently have no love life, and thinking about my past love life makes me sad. Anyway.

I remember when I first met David, who was to be the love of my life. It was February 11, 198- and we were set up on a blind date by our mutual friend Anissa (my co-worker; David's roommate's girlfriend). We met up at the Garden Lounge, had a few drinks and made small talk. Once we got Anissa out of the way (she was staying in case she had to run interference, but after about 20 minutes all three of us realized it wasn't necessary), he and I ended up sitting in the bar talking about everything and nothing all night. The bartender finally kicked us out around 2 a.m., so then we stood out in the parking lot in the freezing temperatures talking for another hour or so, before finally heading to our respective homes for the remainder of the night. Or morning. Whatever. The following afternoon, he called me, and we talked for another couple hours. The next day, he called me again, and again we talked for a very long time.

The day after that I was at work; it was Valentine's Day. I didn't think anything of it, so I was totally surprised when a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses was delivered to the store where I worked. They were from him, and were accompanied by a note which read Interested and Intrigued. It made me feel all funny inside - sort of dizzy and euphoric and twelve-years-old at the same time. I couldn't help myself, and giggled and blushed like a school girl for the rest of the day. And, yet, it seemed a bit odd that a guy I'd only met a few days before would send me flowers for Valentine's Day. It seemed a bit obsessive to me, but eventually I chilled out, and continued to see him.

Eventually we lived together, and later I moved with him to his "Shangri-La" – the Oregon coast. Things were okay before we moved, but afterwards, it got hard. We both hated our jobs, and were so far away from our family and friends support system. Things fell apart, and things are wont to do. A few weeks shy of our sixth anniversary, he left. And, yeah, even after all these years, it still hurts.

I hate to even give him the satisfaction of thinking there's never been another man like him for me, but honestly, there hasn't. Sure, there was Kenny, and I really liked him, and we had a great time together, but I couldn't do it. I was too scared. I was scared to let a man get to me like David did, and I refused to be used like I let David use me, only to be tossed aside when he was finished. So, I dumped Kenny before Kenny could dump me. I still hate myself for that.

So, yeah, there's never been another man like David in my life, and there never will be. I won't allow it.

February 11, 2005
Februarium Day Two: What You Love

What You Love: This one's about your favorite things, or pick one thing and wax rhapsodic on it.

Well, since I have more than one think I love, I thought I'd share the top 5 things I love and why:

1. My Digital Elph. Oh, my sweet, little digital camera, I love you so! This is actually my second digital Elph - I sold my first one last year to a co-worker who was travelling to Ireland, and wanted a digital camera. Also, I wanted to upgrade! I get consistantly good pictures with this camera. It's easy to use, and uploading the piccies is a snap! It's made my photographic life much, much easier!

2. Pedicures. My friend Jewel introduced me to the joy of the pedicure a couple years ago, and I haven't looked back. The nail place I frequent recently remodeled and have nice new massaging chairs, and deeper foot baths. The girls are well trained in the art of leg and foot massage and I usually walk out of that place all sort-of wobbly and woozy becuase I'm so relaxed and sleepy. Mmmm.

3. The Coffee Guy. He comes to our workplace every Tuesday and Friday, and whenever I hear his horn (it's one of those novely horns that plays music instead of honking; his playes the first 10 notes of the Theme to "The Godfather"), I'm like Pavlov's dog! Or that dog on the Beggin' Strips ad: Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee! It's Coffee! Coffee Guy's here! Heh. And, the best part is, The Coffee Guy knows what I like; he doesn't even really have to ask any more. Grande Americano? Yes, please! He's always got a smile and some witty conversation, and when it rains, he's got umbrellas we can use. If I miss him because I'm in a meeting, or he doesn't come because he's out of town, I'm sad.

4. Weekends. I love the freedom of the weekends! Even if I have yardwork or other Joy-of-Home-Ownership chores to do, I don't mind so much because it's my stuff, as opposed to someone else's. Plus, if I don't feel like doing anything but laying around in my pajamas watching a Trading Spaces marathon, than I don't do anything but lay around in my pajamas watching a Trading Spaces marathon. It's nice!

5. Books. I can't even express how much I love books. It's all my mom's fault - as a librarian, she instilled in me a love of books before I was even born. I've always been a voracious reader, and regret that now I don't have as much time to read as I would like.

Februarium Day One: Who You Love

I came across this fun meme at Minerea's today, and though I'm a day late and a dollar short to be listed on the main page, I decided it sounded like a fun thing to do, and am therefore playing The Home Game. Plus, it would basically force me to start bloody writing this month! So, anyway, the topic for February 10th is: Who you love. Enjoy!

Who You Love: This is a love letter to anyone. Or no one in particular.

Dear Brandon,

It's hard to believe we've been together for over twenty years! I remember the day you came into my life: Christmas Day 1983. You were soft and fuzzy and totally adorable!

I bought you a black bow-tie, let you wear my fancy hats, even pierced your ear with a gold teddy bear earring. You didn't even cry. You were so brave! Somehow we lost that pretty little earring; I never did find another one. Oh, well.

Now you have a little sweater and matching hat my grandmother knitted for you to wear during the cool winter months, and a tiny (actually infant size) E.N.U.F. Internationale sweatshirt for the summer. You are still the fashion plate!

For the past twenty-six years, Brandon, you've been there for me, though good times and bad. We got through high school together, you came to college with me, and though I set you aside temporarily when D came into my life, as soon as he was gone, you were right there for me again. You listened patiently when I ranted and raved. You never criticized or judged me. You gave me a fuzzy shoulder to cry on, and let me squeeze you tight. You were a comforting, if silent partner and friend.

Though the years have past, and your once-fluffy, synthetic fur is permanently matted, and your stuffing just isn't as fluffy, you still bring me comfort through the night. You fit perfectly in my arms: your back pressed up against my chest, my arm wrapped around you, and my chin resting on top of your head. If people tell me they think it's odd that a grown woman still sleeps with a teddy bear, well, Brandon, my darling, I tell them I don't care. It could be worse, after all: I could have a Boyfriend Pillow! Gah!

I love you, Brandon, now and forever!

February 10, 2005
Lent

Today at work, Spunky Blonde Co-Worker (SBCW) and I were discussing Lent. I had considered giving something up this year, but couldn't decide what - I love all my vices way too much to give them up for so very, very long. SBCW had given up cursing, but since she rarely curses to begin with, she was contemplating giving up something else. Something meaningful. So we debated:

Caffeine?

Both: No. No freakin' way!

Alchohol?

Me: Not with WeetaCon coming next month, no. No way!
SBCW: ???
Me: (Briefly explained WeetaCon to her.)
SBCW: OoooOOOOooohhhh!

Cursing?

SBCW: Already did it.
Me: Again, WeetaCon - I'll totally need my curse words when I'm hangin' with The Cool Kids, drinkin' and smo . . . erm. Yeah. Nevermind.

Spunky Blonde Co-Worker eventually decided to give up beef, and I decided to give up ice cream. Now, ice cream is really not that much of a temptation for me, but I do enjoy a bowl of ice cream or an ice cream treat on the weekends, so I guess it is giving up something.

I am SO going to hell for this. Happy Lent!

February 7, 2005
Miss Indecisive

I've always been a terribly indecisive person. Long time readers of self-portrait.net already know this, but I thought I'd mention it for any new visitors who happen by. I change my mind. A lot. Things tend to change around here. Often. Things like design and content are changed on a whim. Sometimes more than once a month. Or week. It seems like just when I have the website looking precisly as I want, I find another layout, style, feature or something else I'd rather have. I'm never truly satisfied with the appearance of my journal. I wish I could be! I wish I could find The Perfect Layout. One that is definitely me. I don't suppose I ever will, though. There's just too much good stuff out there.

In other news, omygod, I am in pure, unadulterated lust with this amazing thing! I must have one, I simply must! It's an mp3 player and a camera! How perfect is this??? I was going to treat myself to an iPod this year, but, erm, I may be rethinking that a bit . . .

And, finally, there are only about 25 days or so until I go to Green Bay, Wisconsin for what is sure to be an infamous, but totally fun weekend! I'm getting very excited! I'm all stocked up on wool socks, snow boots, sweaters, mittens, earmuffs, and a heavy jacket. Bring it on, Old Man Winter! Bring it on!

February 1, 2005
Dental Diva Update

  Had my four-month check-up/cleaning at the dentist today. It went exceedingly well! The hygienist said my gum tissue looked fantastic and there was, get this: no bleeding! And, just because I've never been able to say that about a dental visit before, I'll say it again: NO BLEEDING! As you can imagine, I am immensely relieved! It's been a long, long five years fighting to save my gums, and ultimately my teeth, but it's pretty much a done deal now. God! I am so happy I could just scream with pure joy!

  In other news, I'm hoping February will be a much better month for Self-Portrait updates. January was abysmal, and for that, I apologize. I just never seemed to have anything interesting to say or to report. Stuff happened, sure, but it either wasn't journal-worthy, or I just didn't feel like talking about it. A lot of stuff ended up in my blog, and I just didn't feel like repeating myself here. I once again contemplated shutting the doors on s-p.net, but after over five years of keeping this online journal, I just couldn't do it. I can't just walk away from all of this. So, I'll keep it. For now.

for what it's worth,
lmj (alias hez)